American voters are tired. They are tired of inconsistent politics, continual scandal, constant dishonesty and mudslinging, and, more than anything, American voters are tired of being dead.
A recent study conducted by the Pew Center on the States found that over 1.8 million of America’s registered voters are actually deceased, and that 2.8 million have active voter registration in multiple states.
“You would think,” said Rahm Emanuel, mayor of Chicago, where voting after death is a legendary activity, “that after entering a state that is commonly referred to as ‘eternal rest’ or ‘eternal sleep’, American voters would not be so tired anymore. Apparently not. I don’t really see what all the fuss is about.”
Illinois state governor, Bruce Rauner, countered,
“Actually, you would think that after entering a state that is commonly referred to as ‘eternal rest’ or ‘eternal sleep’, American voters would… stop voting.”
Not so. According to the Pew Center study, dying does not forego one’s right to the polls, as almost two million registered voters are no longer among us.
“It’s just insane,” said one Chicago man, “I don’t care if they vote so long as they vote Democrat, but I am tired of the streets looking like scenes from ‘The Walking Dead’ every time there’s an election.”
Chicago, or the “Windy City”, is notorious for its unique political landscape. While some may view the system as shady, or even in some cases as fraudulent, others believe that the city demonstrates a true American ideal: the representation of all.
“We here in Chicago believe in representing everybody: male or female, black or white, gay or straight, living or deceased,” said one resident.
“If a man wants to vote more than once who’s to stop him? This is America. We are free here,” he continued, “And we believe in the representation of foreigners too; I don’t see why somebody would be turned away from the polls just because he or she is not actually a citizen, and is here illegally. They are people too, aren’t they?”
However, the Chicago voting situation has been subject of heated debate, especially regarding the concept of voter ID laws.
“The idea of voter ID laws is austere and restrictive,” said Illinois Senator Richard Durbin, “to prevent someone from voting simply because they’re illegal, or are attempting to vote eight times, or are voting in multiple states, or are dead is just not how we do things here in America.
“Every vote counts, and if you decide to vote eight times, you’re simply counting eight times more. That’s good. It means you’re investing in your community, and it means you care.”
Regardless of these assessments, conservative politicians continue to attack Chicago politics, branding them scandalous and fraudulent. There has been widespread call for a voter ID system, proposed as a way to manage voting and
limit fraud.
Director of
election initiatives at the Pew Center David Becker, however, says that he does
not believe that the aforementioned statistics pertaining to voter registration
are representative of fraud, but rather, lead only to the perception of fraud.
You
can contact Becker via the Pew Center, or write him directly at his address in
La La Land.
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