Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has come under fire for conducting State Department business over a private email server, and subsequently deleting thousands of unarchived emails from the server. Over the past weeks, questions and concerns have been raised regarding between 30,000 and 60,000 missing emails between Clinton and multiple recipients.
But in an exclusive interview, Hillary Clinton takes us behind the front lines of the mainstream media and enlightens us as to what really happened.
“This is all really an unfortunate accident,” Clinton said, speaking from her throne in her New York mansion, “there is a simple explanation for everything that happened.
“For some reason, the ‘archive’ button and the ‘delete’ button are right next to one other. As I went to click the ‘archive’ button, my hand slipped and I hit the ‘delete’ button by mistake. Ultimately, we can blame the website designer, because those two buttons should never be next to one another. Anyway, at this point I wasn’t concerned because the emails still existed within my account, only they were located in the trash folder.”
Clinton went on to explain how things went horribly wrong.
“Well, if I’m honest, I forgot that items in the trash get deleted automatically after thirty days. I really don’t know why that is, actually. What if I want my trash to be full for two months instead of just one? Again, the designer. Anyway, when I remembered this, I accessed my email's trash folder. I hit the ‘select all’ icon, intending to move all of these jeopardized documents back into my inbox. However, at this moment, I had a severe myoclonic seizure, and I hit the ‘delete permanently’ button instead. You can just imagine my horror as all my files on the spontaneous riots in Benghazi disappeared forever, in addition to any and all documentation on money I’ve received under the table from foreign governments.”
The former secretary, however, reassures us,
“There really was nothing on there that the American people needed to know… I mean, my daughter Chelsea had a very complicated wedding, which of course entailed tens of thousands of emails… you know how mothers and daughters are, after all. Also among the deleted emails were all two that Bill sent me. Then various other things, as I mentioned before: just private business between myself and the anointed president that the common citizen doesn’t really need to know.”
“I mean, come now,” Clinton added, “these people have everything they need, it really is none of their concern how ambassador Christ Stephens died.”
When asked if there was any possibility of retrieving the deleted files, Clinton responded,
“Well, the emails were probably still on my hard-drive somewhere, but I asked Lois Lerner to try and recover them for me. Apparently this was a mistake, as she has had hard-drive issues in the past. But that is her fault, certainly not mine. And the designer probably had something to do with it again."
Despite Clinton’s insistence on her innocence and integrity, House Republicans such as Trey Gowdy are not buying a word of her story. This is especially irking to Clinton.
“You’ll notice that the vast majority of people who are going after me are men. Am I the only one noticing this? It’s just typical. Just a typical example of how men function; their constant insistence on putting women down. They act as if I broke an important law, but I guarantee you that, were I a man, we wouldn’t hear a word about it. Just business as usual,” Clinton said, while refusing to field questions on why she paid women only $0.72 on the dollar while she was a senator.
In addition to simply laying our fears and suspicions to rest, Clinton advises that we take comfort in the happenings of the past few weeks,
“I mean, look at it this way: at least I can get online and manage an email account; George W. Bush probably couldn’t even figure out how to set up a Facebook.”
When questioned as to how this controversy might affect her potential run for office, Clinton took an optimistic view.
“I really don’t think it’ll have any effect at all,” she stated confidently, “I think the American people are disillusioned and stupid enough to trust me, no matter what I say or do. I believe that everyone will understand that this was a simple mistake that anyone could make.
“I also think that the common citizen has come to understand that we Clintons play by our own rules, and that is okay,” she added with a wry smile.
But in an exclusive interview, Hillary Clinton takes us behind the front lines of the mainstream media and enlightens us as to what really happened.
“This is all really an unfortunate accident,” Clinton said, speaking from her throne in her New York mansion, “there is a simple explanation for everything that happened.
“For some reason, the ‘archive’ button and the ‘delete’ button are right next to one other. As I went to click the ‘archive’ button, my hand slipped and I hit the ‘delete’ button by mistake. Ultimately, we can blame the website designer, because those two buttons should never be next to one another. Anyway, at this point I wasn’t concerned because the emails still existed within my account, only they were located in the trash folder.”
Clinton went on to explain how things went horribly wrong.
“Well, if I’m honest, I forgot that items in the trash get deleted automatically after thirty days. I really don’t know why that is, actually. What if I want my trash to be full for two months instead of just one? Again, the designer. Anyway, when I remembered this, I accessed my email's trash folder. I hit the ‘select all’ icon, intending to move all of these jeopardized documents back into my inbox. However, at this moment, I had a severe myoclonic seizure, and I hit the ‘delete permanently’ button instead. You can just imagine my horror as all my files on the spontaneous riots in Benghazi disappeared forever, in addition to any and all documentation on money I’ve received under the table from foreign governments.”
The former secretary, however, reassures us,
“There really was nothing on there that the American people needed to know… I mean, my daughter Chelsea had a very complicated wedding, which of course entailed tens of thousands of emails… you know how mothers and daughters are, after all. Also among the deleted emails were all two that Bill sent me. Then various other things, as I mentioned before: just private business between myself and the anointed president that the common citizen doesn’t really need to know.”
“I mean, come now,” Clinton added, “these people have everything they need, it really is none of their concern how ambassador Christ Stephens died.”
When asked if there was any possibility of retrieving the deleted files, Clinton responded,
“Well, the emails were probably still on my hard-drive somewhere, but I asked Lois Lerner to try and recover them for me. Apparently this was a mistake, as she has had hard-drive issues in the past. But that is her fault, certainly not mine. And the designer probably had something to do with it again."
Despite Clinton’s insistence on her innocence and integrity, House Republicans such as Trey Gowdy are not buying a word of her story. This is especially irking to Clinton.
“You’ll notice that the vast majority of people who are going after me are men. Am I the only one noticing this? It’s just typical. Just a typical example of how men function; their constant insistence on putting women down. They act as if I broke an important law, but I guarantee you that, were I a man, we wouldn’t hear a word about it. Just business as usual,” Clinton said, while refusing to field questions on why she paid women only $0.72 on the dollar while she was a senator.
In addition to simply laying our fears and suspicions to rest, Clinton advises that we take comfort in the happenings of the past few weeks,
“I mean, look at it this way: at least I can get online and manage an email account; George W. Bush probably couldn’t even figure out how to set up a Facebook.”
When questioned as to how this controversy might affect her potential run for office, Clinton took an optimistic view.
“I really don’t think it’ll have any effect at all,” she stated confidently, “I think the American people are disillusioned and stupid enough to trust me, no matter what I say or do. I believe that everyone will understand that this was a simple mistake that anyone could make.
“I also think that the common citizen has come to understand that we Clintons play by our own rules, and that is okay,” she added with a wry smile.
Very well done. :)
ReplyDeleteSurprising. We now have confirmation she has wiped her hard drive clean.
ReplyDelete