Television used to be so simple. One dial, a handful of channels, and only a very few shows from which to choose. Oh, how times have changed. In today’s world of advanced satellite packaging, featuring thousands of channels and shows beyond number, it can be hard to know what to watch and what to not. The following is a condensed list of all the best shows airing currently, or of those that are soon to be released. (Please watch responsibly.)
Leading off on our list of must-watch television is ABC’s series The Bachelor, now making a return under the new name Searching for my Future Ex-wife, in which it somehow becomes socially acceptable for a man to string along and make out with a multitude of women at the same time. A close second in our reality TV show category is a coming release recently announced by NBC: a new weight loss show in which viewers are encouraged and advised to become extremely overweight so as to make it onto television, become famous, and potentially win $25,000, all while living in a luxury condo suite and meeting and interacting daily with super hot physical trainers.
If you’re more interested in real life adventures, check out Discovery Channel’s sequel to Naked and Afraid, dubbed Naked and Embarrassed, in which disrobed participants are dropped off in Times Square, New York City with no clothes or provisions, and are promptly arrested for public indecency.
Animal Planet has announced the coming release of a thrilling new series, Finding Waldo, featuring obscure photographs, thermal heat signatures, and night vision video clips of frightened men yelling “oh my god!” as they run through the woods with headlamps in the dark, pursuing the hazy outline of a man in a striped shirt and spectacles (*spoiler alert*: Waldo is never found). Animal Planet also recently made known to us its intentions to invite Hillary Clinton to guest star on an episode of Pit Bulls and Parolees in the near future, in addition to announcing an upcoming series entitled I Wish I Were as Cool as Steve Irwin.
We figured TLC should have an entire section all to its own, with exciting new releases such as I Have Three Wives and Forty-Six Children, in which the name of every person to appear on the show begins with the letter ‘T’, and three of the children regularly speak to dead people. TLC has also announced its upcoming shows: We’re Short, I’m Fat, and I Forget Why I’m Famous, But I’m On TV.
AMC has announced its follow up program, The Rocking Dead, in which four corpses take up instruments and do an AC/DC tribute band tour. AMC says the inspiration for this show comes from the fact that “people will watch most almost anything that involves dead people these days, unless the dead people are actually acting dead”. AMC’s future zombie show plans include the much anticipated Voting in Chicago.
On ESPN, you can watch SportsCenter.
In an unprecedented and unexpected move, the shows Real Housewives and Divorce Court have joined forces, with directors citing “practicality and legal efficiency” as their reasons for combining the two features.
History Channel is preparing us for a flurry of newly released specials, among them: Aliens and the Civil War, The Extraterrestrial Life of Joseph Stalin, and Lee Harvey Oswald and the UFO. They promise us that these shows will be “out of this world”.
Meanwhile, CBS is planning to release Cop Show, Another Cop Show, Cop Show Three, and We Figured You’d Wanna’ Watch Another Cop Show, in addition to approximately 41,000 shows inaccurately depicting the lives of EMTs and emergency room doctors who routinely amputate limbs and perform tracheotomies with Bic pens.
Into a slower screen scene? Check out HGTV’s Houses You Could Never Afford or Food Network’s Impossible Food That We Make Look Easy So You Feel Like an Incompetent Idiot (featuring Alton Brown, menacingly brandishing a cleaver and threatening to make people cook blindfolded or with their hands tied).
The follow up to shows like Ice Road Trucker (History Channel*) and Storage Wars (A&E) are here: Smalltown Mailman, featuring the daily perils of the mail route which include harrowing encounters with guard dogs and those pesky electrical fences lining cow pastures, as well as the inevitable occurrence of getting lost on the countless and obscurely named country roads; and Parking Wars, in which random strangers bicker of parking spaces, or else forget to put a couple quarters in the parking meter and get ticketed by a surly looking traffic patroller. (*We are still trying to figure out how Ice Road Truckers ended up on the History Channel in the first place, as it pertains to neither history nor aliens.)
What else to watch? The new TBS series: This Show is About Sex. TBS spokespeople say they are “tired of kidding themselves”. TBS is enjoying skyrocketing ratings, as viewers seem to appreciate the honesty, forwardness, and onscreen nudity.
Perhaps the most exciting: NBC has announced a new release, Yet Another Freaking Singing Competition; media correspondents and insiders assure us it will surpass the X Factor, The Voice, and American Idol (to name a few) because “the judges will be harsher, meaner, and more critical than the would-be offspring of Simon Cowell and Adolf Hitler, and the women will somehow wear less clothing.”
What to watch? So many exciting options.
Our advice?
Read a book. Please. Save yourselves.
Please. Save yourselves.
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